A Thing Called Love

It's summer, and time to pull out the summer CD, which I made two years back, I think, and is still one of my favorite CDs to drive to. No summer CD is complete without lots of the Beach Boys.

I've started to feel off lately, not depressed, just a bit sad, and I think it stems from my oft-stated fear that, despite the wonderful boyfriend who adores me, I will probably never get married. It seems lately that everyone is getting married but me, including some random guy from high school who posesses the literacy level of a third grader and some other guy who can barely make a coherent sentence. Also people who graduated two years after me, and tons and tons of people from my year. It's really not much creative license to predict that I will be the very last person in my high school graduating class to get married.

Do I mind? Only in the sense that it feels like a failure; that I have always been so precocious and ahead of the curve and I can't stand falling behind. But I am too selfish to get married now. I am really too selfish to even be in a relationship now, but R is blessed with near-infinite patience and is paying me back for my patience with him when he wanted to spend all his time with his friends and see me for like 20 minutes a week.

Or do I mind, really? Maybe I only mind when I'm home and my mother is reminding me once every two days that she's really really ready for me to settle down and give her grandchildren that we can take on idyllic family vacations that only happen in her imagination because in real life she's far too nit-picky to ever enjoy anyone I enjoy for more than a year or two, tops. Maybe I mind because I feel like I'm getting too hard and cynical, and that if I keep this up, I will probably never have another relationship. Maybe I mind because I know my current relationship isn't going to make it, and that I will have to be the one to pull the plug and make myself single again, and I think I mind that the only thing really bothering me about that is causing him the pain.

Maybe I mind because I'm at home with nothing to do but nitpick my own failings and be paranoid about my future.