Talking with the boyfriend last night about the loss of virginity, and how we intend to talk to our kids about sex. His initial comment was: "Those boys are going to be having sex at fourteen. Gotta get started!" My response, of course, was to ask if he'd also want his daughters having sex at fourteen. He turned green.
Now, my boyfriend lost his virginity at fourteen. It was such a positive experience that he never saw a girl naked again until two years later. Although he likes to brag that he started having sex so young, he knows he wasn't ready, and that his best female friend wasn't really ready either. And we all know how I lost mine, so...
In the end, we decided that, regardless of gender, our kids are never having sex. Ever.
Just kidding. In the end, we decided that our hypothetical future children of either gender will be asked to follow three guidelines when it comes to sex. Is it safe? Is it respectful? Is it fun? I think that pretty much covers it.
29 December 2008
16 December 2008
Because Here at UVA We Love Us Some TJ
"Bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will, to be rightful, must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal laws must protect, and to violate would be oppression." --Thomas Jefferson: 1st Inaugural, 1801. ME 3:318
09 December 2008
Shut Up and Let Me Go
Remember way back in the day when a nasty anonymous commenter told me that people (s/he meant "women" obviously) like me were the reason having a uterus was a disability? Yeah, I'm still not any happier with feminism. Or, at least, the brand of feminism I'm finding at Jezebel.
I identify as feminist. I believe in equal pay for equal work, and that while I may not physically be a match for many men, intellectually I can more than hold my own. I believe strongly in the need to maintain women's reproductive rights. I believe that domestic violence and rape should carry stronger stigmas in our judicial system, and that those stigmas should be gender-equivalent--ie, if your girlfriend beats you up in a jealous rage, she will face equal punishment and not be written off as "hormonal" or "irrational." I have never blamed my period for anything, ever.
But there's a lot about feminism, or a particular brand of feminism, that bothers me. It bothers me that I'll be seen by some as "less feminist" because I enjoy domestic pursuits--I've written extensively about my love of cooking and baking. I'm automatically a bad feminist because I take pride in my appearance and wish to be valued for that among other things. And my friends and I are struggling to integrate our wish for equality with our wish to take time off and raise our hypothetical future children.
Here's one thing that really gets me. Women who crave traditional domesticity--engagement, (complete with ring) marriage, taking the man's last name, cooking and cleaning and raising children--are "anti-feminist" for wanting the status quo. Hey, Jezebelles. Men (some men) want this too. Men want a nuclear family. They want to belong to someone. Want to feel that someone belongs to them. This is not a weak, feminine viewpoint. It's a basic human desire. If you look down on women for wanting this, then you're denying men the opportunity to admit they want it too. And that just furthers the stereotypes (men can't talk about emotions) you're "trying" so hard to tear down.
The engagement ring thing also drives me nuts. It's a sign that you're "taken." That someone has a "claim" on you. Are those such bad things? My boyfriend loves to state that he's taken, that he's mine. He is thrilled by the fact that he belongs to me. And yes, ethically-derived diamonds. They're not that hard to find. The thing I do understand is the cause/effect of this all: your relationship isn't good because you have an engagement ring. You have an engagement ring (one would hope) because your relationship is good. And you want to advertise that you're "taken." That you are soon to "belong" to someone. (and he will also belong to you, although that part gets conveniently discarded) To me, the ring is just a symbol, and one that goes both ways: I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine.
It all goes back to something I've learned: rejecting something does not make you cooler than it. You are not a better feminist because you're not in a relationship, if you'd actually rather be in a relationship. And you're not a better feminist if you'd rather be alone. Just as you're not a better feminist because you're unemployed.
What feminism really needs is less talk, less fingerpointing about who are "good" and "bad" feminists, less handwringing about why people don't want to identify as feminist, and more ACTION. Instead of getting pissed off on the internet about patriarchy, why not donate some time or money to Planned Parenthood, or the Unitarian Universalist church, or whatever your charity of choice? All this rhetoric is getting us nowhere. It's all sound and fury, signifying nothing, and the people who are getting shit done are lacking in support. We can argue forever about what feminism means, and to whom. Or we could do something productive with our time instead. How'bout pushing the Ledbetter Act again? Or beefing up the Violence Against Women Act? Or staging a counterprotest over at the local-est abortion clinic?
I identify as feminist. I believe in equal pay for equal work, and that while I may not physically be a match for many men, intellectually I can more than hold my own. I believe strongly in the need to maintain women's reproductive rights. I believe that domestic violence and rape should carry stronger stigmas in our judicial system, and that those stigmas should be gender-equivalent--ie, if your girlfriend beats you up in a jealous rage, she will face equal punishment and not be written off as "hormonal" or "irrational." I have never blamed my period for anything, ever.
But there's a lot about feminism, or a particular brand of feminism, that bothers me. It bothers me that I'll be seen by some as "less feminist" because I enjoy domestic pursuits--I've written extensively about my love of cooking and baking. I'm automatically a bad feminist because I take pride in my appearance and wish to be valued for that among other things. And my friends and I are struggling to integrate our wish for equality with our wish to take time off and raise our hypothetical future children.
Here's one thing that really gets me. Women who crave traditional domesticity--engagement, (complete with ring) marriage, taking the man's last name, cooking and cleaning and raising children--are "anti-feminist" for wanting the status quo. Hey, Jezebelles. Men (some men) want this too. Men want a nuclear family. They want to belong to someone. Want to feel that someone belongs to them. This is not a weak, feminine viewpoint. It's a basic human desire. If you look down on women for wanting this, then you're denying men the opportunity to admit they want it too. And that just furthers the stereotypes (men can't talk about emotions) you're "trying" so hard to tear down.
The engagement ring thing also drives me nuts. It's a sign that you're "taken." That someone has a "claim" on you. Are those such bad things? My boyfriend loves to state that he's taken, that he's mine. He is thrilled by the fact that he belongs to me. And yes, ethically-derived diamonds. They're not that hard to find. The thing I do understand is the cause/effect of this all: your relationship isn't good because you have an engagement ring. You have an engagement ring (one would hope) because your relationship is good. And you want to advertise that you're "taken." That you are soon to "belong" to someone. (and he will also belong to you, although that part gets conveniently discarded) To me, the ring is just a symbol, and one that goes both ways: I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine.
It all goes back to something I've learned: rejecting something does not make you cooler than it. You are not a better feminist because you're not in a relationship, if you'd actually rather be in a relationship. And you're not a better feminist if you'd rather be alone. Just as you're not a better feminist because you're unemployed.
What feminism really needs is less talk, less fingerpointing about who are "good" and "bad" feminists, less handwringing about why people don't want to identify as feminist, and more ACTION. Instead of getting pissed off on the internet about patriarchy, why not donate some time or money to Planned Parenthood, or the Unitarian Universalist church, or whatever your charity of choice? All this rhetoric is getting us nowhere. It's all sound and fury, signifying nothing, and the people who are getting shit done are lacking in support. We can argue forever about what feminism means, and to whom. Or we could do something productive with our time instead. How'bout pushing the Ledbetter Act again? Or beefing up the Violence Against Women Act? Or staging a counterprotest over at the local-est abortion clinic?
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