Vampires and Melanoma

[The following is reconstructed almost entirely verbatim from my walk to and from the rock wall this evening]

Me: So science? Has vindicated my mother...well, actually my mother and I. Apparently, tanning beds give you skin cancer.

Companion, sarcastically: No way. Really. Who knew??

Me: So all this time when I've been saying "it's fine, I like being pale, I'll rock the vampire look, I'll be thirty-five and unwrinkled and you'll have cancer!" I was right. How'bout that. You know who else I like? Scarlett Johannsen. She's nicely pale, and she's got really fantastic breasts. (See here for pictures.)

Companion: [standard sleepy mumble about being sleepy]

Me: She's really hot, and seems really down to earth, and really hot.

[later]

Me, upon discovering that I have sunburnt the top half of my breasts: Why do I not get that it is not okay to peer down my own shirt in public? I mean, I have to consciously remind myself that when I get warm in class it is not okay to remove clothing until I am comfortable. How did my parents manage to raise someone with no concept of social norms at all? [I pull down my tank top to further inspect the damage, and my boobs] Gah! There I go again! What is wrong with me?

Companion: Why aren't there more girls like you?

Me: I should learn to stop being accidentally blatently provocative.

Companion, mocking me by peering down his pants: Yes, I'm sunburnt too.

Me: One, you were wearing a shirt all day today. Two, these [hand to breasts] are not genitalia. Oh my god, I've just walked twenty feet holding my breasts in my hand.