Whole, and Nothing But

I hear at times from one of my friends that I am or was at one point "intimidating." This is a statement that has always confused me, more so now than ever.

I used to have this projection. I used to be the crazy sexual one with a bench full of men waiting, so if one dropped me, no big deal. I used to dress scandalously and not care, because it's my body and I'm hot, so what? There were always friends to have fun with and I had my soulmate and confidant J so I didn't need anyone else close so it didn't bother me that I didn't have anyone else close. I knew my talents, wasn't ashamed of them, knew my opinions and wasn't ashamed of them, and more than anything, I had a plan for the future and no one, bar no one, was getting in my fucking way. I was going to be the girl power icon, have my own lab, do kickass research, probably not get married but have lots of deviant sex, etc.

So yeah, I can see a little how that's intimidating. I once inadvertently flashed half the academic quad freshman year. Most of my class has seen my underwear, because I went through a short skirt phase. Thankfully, I mostly grew out of the short skirt/no underwear spell I went through in high school. And I always talked as if everyone should agree with me, and if they didn't share my confidence, they were just dumb.

Now? That statement makes less sense than ever, because there are so few things in my life that do not frighten me. I grew out of my cheating phase; I have one man now. That's all I want, and that's all I need, and it scares me shitless, because if he leaves me I will have no choice but to hurt. Contrary to what yesterday's post may state, I tend to dress a little more conservatively these days, mostly because I'm tired of being a hobag, and I like looking classically and classily sexy instead of like a porn star. I also like it when my mother doesn't roll her eyes at me when I come home and say "don't you have something to put...under....that?" This in particular is scary because when I go to bars, there is always some girl wearing less than me, and she is always pulling the hotshot banker-looking dude in the expensive suit with the Corona, and I wonder if it's because I'm a nerdy science girl or just because I don't know how to flirt in the real world. I've learned the value of real friendship and will never again spend so much of my time with people who simply don't care about me as a person. Of course, now, if my friends get mad or irritated, it matters, and I am on constant lookout for this. I still know my talents. I'm still not ashamed. I've learned that other people have opinions worth respecting. I still talk like everyone should agree with me, but I love listening and understanding where others are coming from.

And I no longer have a plan for the future. Three years of constant classes (yes, summers too) have left me burnt out beyond belief on physics. I'm pumped in a subconscious way for my summer job, which involves research and cardiac tissue and ACTUAL DISCOVERIES TO BE MADE OMG instead of just a bunch of soldering like last summer. Yeah, I want to go to graduate school, but mostly because I'm scared I'll lose momentum if I work after graduation.

And my plan for the future? It doesn't just depend on me anymore, and that's the truth. I have a hardcore plan for my future. It involves a masters' degree, a wedding on a beach, a career that's briefly stopped until the kids are in school, and a house with a big yard. A lot more scary when I've been dating R for five months and don't know (nor do I really want to know) what the future holds for he and I. What if I'm wasting my time? I have this plan! What about graduate school? Fuck!

And I'm getting a B in econ. What the fuck. I should not be getting a B in econ. It is the stupidest waste of time ever, and that's why I'm getting a B in econ. Fuck. I must learn not to blow off classes I feel superior to, which is really ironic seeing as I should be in bio right now.

Anyway.

There's a lot of deep breathing lately, and reassuring myself that things are all going to work out. Probably not exactly the way I've planned them. But I'm dating a man my family and I love, my grades are okay, I'll end up with a great degree from a great school, and this summer will tell me where my research interests lie, and if I should start thinking about not only looking to stay close to my brother's college when I look at grad schools, but if I should think about staying close to someone else as well...