With Gritted Teeth

I need a break from all that is female.

That, however, is not today's topic. Today's topic centers around two things nominally female; namely, quotes from a) a romantic comedy and b) Sex and the City.

The romantic comedy is A Philadelphia Story, recently seen produced with great effect by the Eldred Theater.

"She's a girl who is generous to a fault...except to other people's faults."

And from Sex and the City:

"The first sign of any little weakness or flaw and you just--write people off! My God, you are so judgemental!"

A fight with a friend has led me to consider exactly how much these two statements apply to me. I am judgemental, especially of people who are not as strong as me. But I take these relative assessments of strength from vastly differing points, always to make myself appear in the best light.

Have I not stomped around campus pissed off about a man?
I'd be lying if I said I'd never absorbed myself in a relationship to the tune of losing my own identity.
Dramatic and needy are words that still describe me at times.

And who the fuck am I to write people off for not having gone through my particular history? I should be thanking the heavens that my friends have not all been raped. That they have known good, loving, healthy friendships and relationships in their lives. That they perhaps did not fight with their parents for twenty straight years. That they have not lost one love after another to circumstances and better judgement.

It's so easy to say "well, I wouldn't handle it that way." But what horrible things have I done to people who didn't deserve it? How dare I look through my complacent lens and say that if R and I break up, I won't dissolve into a puddle of tears for six months, as I recovered from so recently?

The thing is, right now I am really angry with myself. I don't know how to turn this anger into lasting change. Right now I do feel as though I am more mature than some of my friends, and it bothers me a lot, because I usually find that during times I think things like that I am more of a raging egomaniac than usual.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the solution that seems most appealing--running away and avoiding everyone until I can be less irritable--will probably not work out so hot.

On a semi-unrelated topic, this weekend was Easter, which meant getting together with an entirely new side of the family as my uncle has only recently married. Fun fact: my newly-minted aunt cannot hold her wine, and is prone to voicing unfortunate opinions at table when inebriated. Example: when told of R's summer plans, she slaps the table, laughs loudly, and says "oh god, what a bogus job!"

My lengthy explanation of why it is not, in fact, a bogus job has been withheld. The fact of the matter is, if anyone else in the entire world told me they wanted to do for a living what R does, I'd think they were copping out. For a while I thought he was too.

I suppose this more than anything ties in with Santa's being an English major. Leadership--well, it's full of buzzwords, and a lot of times it seems like people aren't actually saying anything. Talk of "visions" and "mission statements" and whatnot puts me to sleep right away, and if we offered a Leadership major, I'd probably laugh at them.

But then I realize: R? He really does love it. Yes, it's kind of a bullshit management position, but just like the fraternity stuff...he buys it. Believes it. And brings it home with such a force that you can't help but believe him. Just like Santa and English. Just like me and physics. And I can't ridicule him for believing in it just as I can't ridicule myself for wanting someone to figure out this damn crazy universe of ours.