Free Fall is the Most Frightening Thing

I've been at home--still am, in fact--and doing various other things where I don't have access to a computer for the past week. The nice thing about being so relaxed is that I have very vivid dreams, so that sleep is something I do several times a day just to see what my brain has planned for me this time.

Some old characters have shown up in my dreams recently, possibly due to the amount of relationship talk my mother and I have been doing. It never happens on the phone, you see, because she's never quite sure who's around, so we always make up for it when I'm home.

Last night I dreamed of my most recent ex and his current girlfriend and something about her confronting me about photography and something that had to do with him. Then I went on a giant swing to drink tequila sunrises and talk about twentifirst birthdays.

And since all this rain has made me introspective, I can't help but think about that relationship. How I loved him, despite all reason. How I was quite literally crazy about him, and the way the relationship and both of us nearly died. How now we never speak, and how I'm rather thankful for that, because it keeps those emotions clearly in the realm of the dead.

How I hurt good people for him, and how sorry I am. In fact, if I was sure it wouldn't be blatent drama-mongering, I'd head out and issue a few apologies. It's been a long time--it would be foolish to think that people still care.

There are exes that I severely regret how I treated. There are exes for which I feel nothing but relief. (not you, Glicoes, so don't get all prickly) There are exes that I miss. It's that time of year where all the mental machinery stops pumping and your brain slowly fills up with the thoughts that have been whizzing around passively powering it.

I'm happy now, relationship-wise. Not euphoric. But content. I wish I could change many things, but I can't--so I'll simply have to work to overcome them.