Dr. Mrs. Vandertrampp

I ran into a friend last night after auditions for Reefer, waiting for the bus. I asked about her schedule, she asked about mine. She mentioned her boyfriend (I think I might have had a date or two with him at one point, but didn't want to ask) and I mentioned R. Her relationship is a year old in September, mine in October. We sat on the bus for a second, staring into the middle distance.

It all came out in a torrent when it did, out of both of us at the same time--yeah, it's great, and yeah, I love him and all, but don't you ever feel like you're too young for this? Like you should be getting drunk and getting random ass while it's still socially acceptable? When my home friends are all engaged and the Case girls are starting to drop, don't you want to hide under the table and scream, but you can't, because you're one of them--the girl with the Steady, Ready, Marginally Handsome and Dependable Man? It's not even a case of What Better's Out There, because we both know we've got it pretty good. She's nineteen. I'm twenty-two. These are our years to have sex with rock stars, not sweat while we stare at ice.com and wonder when it's our turn.

And yes, I want to get married and yes, I want it to be in the next few years, and maybe, I want it to be with R. But I also want to dance on a table and make out with someone who is completely wrong for me (that I haven't done in a long-ass time) and maybe do a post-doc in California for two or three years, or travel somewhere because I haven't been anywhere and it's killing me, and I cannot do these things with what feels like everyone breathing down my neck about quitting after my master's so I can have kids and be a Stepford Wife. I don't want to think about timing. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of planning. I'm tired of scheduling my life around some Husband and Babies that aren't anywhere near real yet. I'm tired of telling my mom I don't want to be Mrs. Dr. Someone. I'm going to be a Dr. Mrs. Someone, and it feels like a race. Like if I'm not Mrs. first then my Dr. is a failure.

Honestly, I want to enter my career knowing that I picked education and stuck with it till there were no more certificates to grab. I'll never stop learning, I know that. I just won't let my tits get in the way of my title.