I Don't Know Why/I Can't Keep My Eyes Off Of You

Nothing worse than a little alt-rock stuck in your head in the morning. Especially if said alt-rock was used as a breakup song in Smallville (which would be approximately 30% of all music on Smallville, including the revolting "You're Beautiful.")

Anyway. The school year has resumed for the last time, and so does daily posting. My schedule's pretty good--plenty of time for my senior project, and a little free time too. I'm going home this weekend to see my brother off to college: my baby brother.

Lately, what with working Orientation and it being my senior year and all, I've been doing a lot of thinking about Ferris's statement that life comes at you fast, and if you blink, you might miss it. Being with the freshmen as they start here just makes me think of my freshman year. My freshman friends, and my freshman mistakes.

How short a time ago it was that I was 19 and leaving home for the first time. I was always convinced that I wouldn't live to see college because I couldn't picture myself there--life after high school was just a grey blur. You know what? I still can't see myself in college. I've moved past the point where everything in my life is clear-cut and visible.

Thoughts like this lead me to how much anyone really knows about their life, or if this is just me. I don't know if I'll ever know that I want to marry someone the way I knew I wanted to marry my high school boyfriend. I have more experience. I've seen multiple ways for situations to work out and everyone involved be fine.

Now life outside of college is staring me in the face, and I can't see myself in grad school, getting married, or holding a job. I think I've hit the point where I have to stop worrying about where I see myself and just do it.

It's like diving. You can sit on the ground and calculate how fast you'll be going when you hit the water and which body position will offer the least resistance till you're blue in the face. But there comes a time when you actually have to jump, and all those calculations don't matter anymore.

I can sit and weigh the benefits of "close to R" and "close to family" and other facets of graduate schools, but in the end, I still have to decide and go.