Premeds

I sat on a bench, having gotten out of work early, to eat my soup and bagel. I pulled out my study guide to look at some structures for the test that was in about 45 minutes, since I do very poorly with things that just have to be memorized. (see: geological time scale, most of elementary biology) I'd just finished my soup when another harried ochem lab student hustled in, tension evident in her shoulders and walk, and plopped down on the bench next to mine. I started in on my bagel, trying to draw structures in the air with my mind, since I have a strict rule: no studying in the 20-30 minutes immediately preceding an exam. I have an uncanny ability not to get stressed out about tests, and it pretty much all stems from this rule. If I relax, breathe, and tell myself that all the knowledge I need is in my head and all I have to do is go get it, then I usually sail right though.

"Are you waiting for the test?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said, with a face of indeterminate expression that I use when I really don't want to be bothered.

She didn't get it. "There's just one thing I didn't get," and this is the damn phrase that leads into me explaining things to people who just want to memorize the right answer and be done with it. Example: "What quality does a compound have to have to undergo gas chromatography?"

"It has to go into the gas phase and be stable enough to stay there for a few seconds while its components separate out."

"Oh! So it's not like a number thing?"

No, it's not like a number thing. IThe quality that a compound has is a qualitative thing. Unlike a, say, quantitative thing--a number thing.

It is now approximately 40 minutes to the exam. I need to get my papers put away and my Zen face on, but my bench buddy is having none of it: "Do you think it will be hard? I heard it's hard!" I don't even know this person!

"I don't know. From the study guide it seems like she's asking for some pretty comprehensive knowledge" of the labs we've done. Like, how do you use this piece of equipment type stuff. I mention that I hate memorizing structures, that that's the only part that makes me nervous. I instantly regret giving a conversational opening.

"So, like, why do we have to know these equations? We didn't use them in lab!" Yeah, but they're interesting. It's interesting to know the sources of error in a device that is designed to separate an oil into its various aromatic components. (and I do mean aromatic. I came home two weeks in a row reeking of spearmint oil)

It's also possible that I am a complete and total nerd.

We talk about sources of error in a gas chromatograph. They are, if you are interested, the multipath effect (compound molecules careening off the packing material,) the diffusion effect (inversely porportional to velocity, molecules moving into the packing material,) and the resistance to mass transfer (inertia.) This is the kind of shit I love. I love that someone sat down and thought about how every single molecule would move through this three meters of teeny copper tubing. (I might be bluffing. It might not be copper. It just seems like it would be.)

It is now half an hour till test time and I can feel my serenity slipping away. I don't want to be quizzed to plump someone's ego or feed someone's fear before the exam. That's what the exam is for, except I hate score whores. She senses my weakness and pounces.

"One last thing and then I think I'm okay. n is unitless, right?" I do a quick mental calculation, then kick myself as I remember that n is a NUMBER. Of course it doesn't have dimensions--or units.

"Yeah, n is 'unitless,' because the measurements cancel."

"And then so is HETP?"

"No, HETP has units, you just have to put them in, and be careful about your factors of ten, if you use centimeters to measure time then you have to get the column length in centimeters too." (seriously, time in centimeters.)

"Not decimeters?"

"As long as it's consistent, you can use whatever you want to. I'm going to head in now and claim my seat" --desparation kicks in-- "I'll see you in there, good luck!"

She distractedly chimes "good luck" back at me, but I'm already on my way. My Zen is completely lost. I feel like a freaking premed, convinced I'll never get into medical school if I don't get an A on this exam. I sit and write down the previous story to try to get my game face on, but nothing's coming. All I can think about is what if I didn't memorize those structures properly? I HATE structures. It's probably going to be all structures. Or all devious multiple choice. What are the TAs blathering about?

The TAs wanted some of us to move to another room so we could sit every other chair, cheating in ochem exams being as rampant as it is. We moved, thankfully, to my summer ochem classroom. That room is chock full of good karma for me. I received good grades in that class while doing virtually no work, plus the chairs are really comfortable. My proximity-induced stress melted away, and I finished the test in half the time alotted.