Facebook is Not My Friend

All my close friends from high school are engaged or married.

A girl who graduated a year after me has just had a child.

Last night R and I had a serious conversation that wasn't precipitated by a fight or ultimatum, about us, about our future together, about the possibility of a more formal committment soon. About how he'd face off with my mom for me, to get me some peace of mind right now, as two weddings in two weekends plus grad school applications plus other stuff is driving me nuts.

I am old and I don't want to be. I'm part of a couple, what feels like a real couple, and I don't know how I feel about that. I'm looking at moving a few states away, and I think R is looking into moving with me. Over this past weekend, due to his drunkeness and a couple of his friends' loose lips, (plus the conversation last night) I'm starting to get a hugely better picture of how he views our relationship.

And that scares me, because I've always been able to count on him to be the sweet yet thoughtless type. I can always count on him not to care when I don't show up to his softball games and relish the time I want to spend alone because it's more time to put a pot on his head and run up and down the halls of his fraternity house. (Yes, this actually happened. I was there for that one.)

But this weekend a mutual friend told me that R has frequently encouraged him to hang out with me, because R knows that this friend makes me happy, and seeing this friend ensures that I have a good day. Last night, R and I talked about lavaliers--his fraternity has no policy on lavaliering, and there was a stink when one of the brothers gave his girlfriend one. R was against it. R once told me that he didn't think he'd ever lavalier anyone. Today, R came to the physics talk I was in charge of. He's never done that before.

When I put this all together and add in the rest of his behavior lately, this relationship doesn't seem like the logical functional relationship I counted on it to be. I didn't realize until this point how much I'd relied on his perceived indifference. This is for real, and he's for real, I think.

It seems that I continually have these little ephiphanies that life is, in fact, proceeding, and my boyfriend doesn't hate me.