Once and Future

I'm online shopping right now--I've had two tests last week and one more on Monday, and I'm fantasizing about ways to spend money I don't have. Life is stressful, right now, and one of the best ways to cope is to look at minidresses online and think about places I could wear them.

I don't really know how to dress, right now, because this time in my life is so ill-defined. I'm in graduate school, so I'm a student, and it should be okay to dress like one, in jeans and t-shirts or sweaters. But I've graduated from college, I'm tired of jeans and flip flops, and I want to dress like a freaking adult. I'm twenty-three, after all. But twenty-three isn't old. It's young. I should be dressing young-ly now, while I can.

As shallow as the clothing debate may seem, I really can't decide if I'm grown up or not. Yes, I'm living on my own and supporting myself. Yes, I'm preparing for my career. I can't seem to come to grips with the fact that this is it, my real life, and I keep dragging my feet on every major decision. I wonder, often, if it's normal to feel this disconnected from the everyday. One of the things that came up in therapy a lot was a feeling that life was happening to someone else, or that you were observing yourself go through daily actions. While my disconnect isn't quite that bad, it's definite, and has seeped from my private life to nearly every area. I also wonder if it's a sign that I'm not happy and should be pursuing something else.

The things that make me consistently happy, though are not things that people generally get paid for. Like reading, noodling on the internet, rock climbing, being sassy with friends. Or I could, finally, put my ass on the line, drop out of school, and open a restaurant. In my apartment.

Maybe I should just buy another minidress and stop worrying so much. Life is good.